


Don't Wave No Goodbye (You loved me then and I love you now)

by Minty_Pixie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Curses, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Past Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Oh Sehun, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14367222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minty_Pixie/pseuds/Minty_Pixie
Summary: Kyungsoo has always known about the curse of his family. Even if he died young, he knew he would come back as a ghost, only visible by the one who loved him the most. And it should have been fine, since his boyfriend loved him so much. Except it’s not Sehun who can see him.There must be a glitch in the curse, right? Why is Jongin seeing him?!





	Don't Wave No Goodbye (You loved me then and I love you now)

**Author's Note:**

> • Prompt : #M86  
> • Pairing : Do Kyungsoo/Kim Jongin  
> • Monster : Ghost  
> • Rating : Teen and Up Audiences  
> • Warnings : Suicide Attempt (briefly implied, I promise it’s not as bad as you imagine)  
> • Word Count : 15k  
> Author’s Note : First of all, thank you to whoever sent that prompt, it was perfect, and I hope I did justice to what you had in mind!  
> Second, thank you to baby T, who kept supporting me along the way <3.  
> And lastly, thanks to the lovely mods, for being awesome and bringing us that fest!

_Once upon a time, lived a beautiful and powerful enchantress. Deep in the forest, her house was made of wood from the oldest pine trees, keeping her warm during winter, and cool during summer. She was friend with every plant, rock and living creature inhabiting these woods, taking from the earth what she needed to sustain herself, and offering her magic in exchange, to keep the forest safe from the greedy men looking for more land to conquer._

_However, one evening, as she washed her clothes in the river’s clear water, singing in a delicate foreign language only known by herself, a deep voice disrupted the chirping birds’ harmonizing melody._

_Through the trees, a tall man came into sight, stopping when he saw her. The enchantress, who had not seen a human in centuries, kept silent. Until the mysterious stranger revealed he had lost his way in the forest trying to find medicinal herbs for his ill sister and had spent days wandering._  
_Surprised, for her spell only allowed pure and harmless souls to enter the woods, she offered the man food and shelter for the night, promising she would led him out in the morning. Exhausted and famished, the man welcomed the help with a thankful heart._  
_The enchantress tended to the man’s injuries with deep care and provided a comforting meal that warmed his tired body._

 _When the sun rose, she guided him to the outskirt of the forest with a heavy heart. But the man, who had seen the sadness in her beautiful eyes echo with his own, vowed to come back._  
_She gave him a concoction for his sister, and as a promise, he offered her a kiss._

 _Days passed, sorrow filling the enchantress’ mind. She stopped singing, spending every waking hour praying for the return of the man._  
_When he finally came back, it was like the whole forest reflected her joy, birds chanting and wind whispering as she ran into his arms._

 _For years, they lived together, warmth and love saturating every corner of the little house._  
_The man would leave, sometimes, only to check on his sister’s improving condition and to provide her with the remedies concocted by the enchantress._  
_But one day, when he didn’t return, the enchantress, growing worried, decided to leave her forest. She courageously walked to the village he used to live in, hoping she would find him._  
_What she found instead was not what she had expected. The man, who had promised to stay by her side forever, was tenderly smiling at a young woman, arms locked around her thin waist._

 _At first, she thought her eyes were playing a trick on her. But when she saw him lean down and kiss the young woman’s lips, her heart shattered into thousands of sharp pieces._  
_His face turned shocked when he saw the enchantress, but she ran away before he could say a word. She did not want to hear what he would say, for lies would be the only thing coming out of those lips she loved so much._

 _Lost in her anger, she gathered her powers. And in the confine of her little house, she put a curse on him. The moment Death would take him away, he would come back as a specter. And he would be destined to only be seen by the one whose heart loved him the most._  
_Herself._  
_He had promised her forever. And this is what she would get. She would make sure he kept his word, for she couldn’t die._

_And it is said that even after all those years, if you wander near the still untouched forest, you can sometimes hear her talking to the love of her life._

 

Kyungsoo was only a toddler when he heard this story for the first time. Yet, he clearly remembers the smile on his grandmother’s face as she told him about the grand enchantress falling in love with his ancestor. The curse was said to have continued through the man’s descendants. And growing up, Kyungsoo had witness its negative impact. It was not only a curse for his family, but also for the people who loved them most. Those poor souls were condemned to live with a ghost hovering around and were often treated as if they were deranged. Seeing someone talk to an invisible person does nothing to make you look normal.

But right now, as he stands in front of his own grave, Kyungsoo starts to believe his grandmother’s words.

“It’s a blessing, my darling. Not a curse,” she had said when he was nine, “When the time comes, your love will live forever.”

And at that moment, forever sounds nice if he gets to spend it with Sehun.

 

***

 

How do you call “walking” when you are a ghost?

This is what Kyungsoo is wondering as he strolls the streets he has known by heart since he was a kid. Sure, his legs are doing the same movements humans do when they walk. But Kyungsoo feels weightless, and it is quite unsettling.

A lot of sensations are different now. He still breathes in and out, but it seems to be more some sort of reflex than a real need to have air filling his lungs. The summer sun is shining bright in the sky, yet Kyungsoo cannot feel the heat on his pale skin. Now that he thinks of it, his arms do look even paler than they ever were. And he does not have a shadow anymore.

Everything feels kind of weird, but he supposes it is going to take some time to adjust.

He was not surprised to wake up in a burial site. A bit sad, yes – who would not be bummed out after finding out they died, really?  
But he was not confused. His family’s curse is something he had known about for a long time, now.

He does not remember precisely the moment he died. He just knows he was driving his motorcycle on the highway. And he thinks it was raining. He can guess what happened just from that.  
And, well, serves him right. His mom always nagged at him not to drive the engine when the weather was bad. He should have listened.

It is strange how detached Kyungsoo feels. After all, he was – is, will forever remain – twenty-five years old, had a loving family, a promising career, a circle of trusted friends and a caring boyfriend who would have given him the moon, had he asked for it.  
So, he knows his family must be devastated right now. His parents loved him so much. And he was so close to his brother.  
But somehow, the only thing he can focus on is his aforementioned boyfriend.

Sehun and him had been together for three years, and everything had been perfect since the first day.  
They met at a party, through friends of friends – to be precise, Sehun was Kyungsoo’s brother’s best friend’s younger brother’s best friend, but it was confusing when they had to explain to people, so they usually went for ‘friends of friends’ – and they had clicked right away. Two successful dates later, they kissed, and after a night where Kyungsoo found out Sehun was pretty vocal in bed, it felt natural for them to start dating officially.

Things were going on so perfectly that they decided to move in together only two months later. The only fly in the ointment was Sehun’s family. Or more precisely, his parents. From day one, their son’s relationship with Kyungsoo had been a problem for them. They just could not accept Sehun had to go and live in a city so far away from them. As an only son, he was supposed to take over his dad’s company, but his plan had changed, and it had been all too easy for them to blame Kyungsoo.

After a big fight, Sehun had come home in tears and had decided he would not see or talk to them until they were ready to accept their relationship.

Kyungsoo died before it could happen.

 

He finally arrives in front of his childhood house, sadly smiling as the memories replay in his head. In the past years, he had not visited as much as he should have, too busy working and starting his new life with his boyfriend. He regrets it now, thinking about the countless phone calls from his mom, asking him to come and have dinner with them. But it is not like he can change anything now.

The door is open, which is weird, but at least he will not have to waste time finding out if his new ghost-body can go through walls.

Entering the house, Kyungsoo is surprised at the amount of people gathered in the small living room.  
His tombstone said he had died four days ago. The custom three days of mourning and funeral ceremonies were supposed to be over by now.

His dead-nose scrunches on its own as he picks the distinctive smell of his childhood home. It used to be comforting, the few times he came visiting after moving out. Now, this too feels different, almost foreign.

His eyes wander in the room, recognizing aunts, uncles, even family friends. His mom is sitting on the couch, silently crying in his father’s arms. His closest friends are here too, quietly talking in the kitchen. Jongdae and Seungsoo are apparently having a serious conversation, while Chanyeol and Baekhyun are trying to comfort someone. He supposes it is Jongin, considering the height and puff of black hair, but he cannot be sure, since the man’s back is facing him.

He should feel bad, seeing all those sad faces, shouldn’t he? But as he stands in front of the entrance door, the only thing he is still focused on is finding Sehun. If so many people came, even some he had not seen in years, it would be logical for his boyfriend to be here too, right?

He searches and searches, growing anxious, until finally, he catches Sehun’s blond hair above everyone’s head. The tall man makes his way towards the kitchen and Kyungsoo cannot help but be mesmerized. Even in grief, eyes red and swollen and tear-stained cheeks, Sehun still looks so handsome.

So, without thinking, Kyungsoo takes a step forward and calls his boyfriend’s name.

And gets no reaction.

Sehun keeps walking and enters the kitchen, hand gently patting Jongin’s shoulder. Kyungsoo frowns. The room was pretty silent despite the guests whispering. Sehun should have heard him.

From the corner of his eyes, Kyungsoo sees an old woman turning to look at him and it is only then that he recognizes his grandmother. Standing near his grandfather, unnaturally pale and wrinkled face, she stares at him with a sad smile. He is about to cross the room when his attention gets stolen once again by Sehun coming back in the living room.

A door creaks and closes somewhere, right as Kyungsoo calls his boyfriend name again.

In slow motion, he sees Sehun turning towards him. Shock paints his face, eyes opening wide and lips parting. Kyungsoo smiles at him. He knows it must be quite a surprise to see his dead boyfriend standing there, but explanations can be given later. Right now, he only wants to run and hold Sehun tight in his arms.

And he is about to. He would have, if only Sehun had not open his mouth.

“Mom?”

Kyungsoo freezes. _Mom_? Confused, he looks down at his body. As far as he knows, he still looks like he did before he died. No boobs, long hair or painted nails had appeared. And _nothing_ had _disappeared_ , thank you very much!

Looking back up at Sehun, he awkwardly smiles. The boy might be more in shock than he thought.

He wants to call his name again, but suddenly, his boyfriend is marching towards him and a wave of relief washes over Kyungsoo.

Only for a few seconds, though.

He watches as Sehun passes near him, without even glancing in his direction. Turning around to follow his boyfriend, everything clicks in his mind when he sees Sehun is holding his mother in his arms as he quietly sobs, his father’s hand rubbing comforting circles on his back.

“You came,” Sehun says, voice cracking.

“Of course, we did,” his mom answers, tightening her embrace around Sehun’s waist, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

“How are you doing, son?” his father then asks, gently ruffling the boy’s blond hair.

Kyungsoo does not wait for Sehun’s reply. The heartbreaking sob his boyfriend lets out is enough for him. He does not want to hear more.

Sehun cannot see him. This is all he needs to know.

Slowly, he makes his way to the second floor and once again, Kyungsoo is weirded out when he sees every door opened. He however dismisses the thought and makes a beeline to his old childhood bedroom.

Everything stayed exactly like the last time he came here. His mom had clearly still been dusting the room pretty often for all these years to make sure it would be clean if her son ever visited.

Releasing a sigh, he walks around aimlessly, smiling when he comes upon the singing contest trophies he won back in high school.

His previous question gets answered when he tries to touch one and his fingers merely go through the metal. The burning feeling has him jolting and instantly retreating his hand.

Awesome. He can go through stuff, but it hurts like a bitch. Good to know.

He is glad all the doors were open, now.

 

How is it possible for Kyungsoo to feel so tired, when his body is not tangible? Why can his heart still hurt, when it is not even beating anymore?

Not an hour ago, he was thrilled at the idea to see his boyfriend, to assure him he was still there, to get to spend the rest of Sehun’s life with him.

What is he supposed to do, now?

He had always promised Sehun he would never hurt him. Yet, the boy was crying downstairs. And it was all because of him. Because Kyungsoo had been reckless and stupid enough to put his life in danger. Now he is dead. And Sehun would have to go through all this, alone.

Because Sehun cannot see him. And this, more than anything, is what hurts the most.

Kyungsoo had been so sure, so unquestionably certain that Sehun and him were meant to be. He never had the sightless doubt about it. Even when they fought, they always came back to each other and found a way to make things work. Because they loved each other. And Sehun was everything Kyungsoo could have ever dreamed of. He was the _only one_ Kyungsoo’s heart would ever beat for.

Clearly, the feeling was not mutual.

And Kyungsoo does not know what to do.

Can ghosts even cry?

His eyes are somehow burning, maybe that is the specter version of it. But before he has the time to confirm the theory, a breathy voice behind him makes him jolt.

“Kyungsoo hyung?”

A surge of joy sends tingles through his entire body at the familiar honorific and he turns back swiftly.

Can Sehun see him now? Did they need to be alone? His boyfriend must be so surprised.

The smile on Kyungsoo’s face disappears instantly the moment he faces the open door. The man in front of him is undoubtedly shocked. But it is not Sehun.

Eyes wide and body trembling, Jongin looks paralyzed as he stares at Kyungsoo.

“J- Jongin?” Kyungsoo stutters, utterly confused and the younger gasps, taking a step back, “You- you can see m-”

“Who are you? _What_ are you?” Jongin asks in a strangled voice, looking like he is a second away from running out of the room, the house, and possibly even the town.

Kyungsoo cannot really blame him. And he would probably joke about how appropriate the expression ‘ _you look like you’ve seen a ghost_ ’ is in this situation, if only his mind was not reeling.

 _Jongin_ can see him?  
What does that mean?  
How is it possible?  
Why?  
When?  
_How_?

 _Jongin_?

As in ‘Sehun’s best friend’ Jongin? As in ‘Seungsoo’s best friend’s younger brother’ Jongin?

 _Jongin_ as in ‘the ultimate link between Kyungsoo’s and Sehun’s meeting’?

 _Jongin_ , as in ‘the shy boy Kyungsoo met through their respective brothers, back when he was thirteen and Jongin was twelve’, as in ‘the one who never talked much, even less to Kyungsoo’, as in ‘the one who, up until a few months ago, had a _girlfriend_ ’?

Surely, it’s a mistake. This is the only explanation. Maybe Jongin was with Sehun when Kyungsoo died, and the curse link had been messed up, flying towards the wrong recipient? Kyungsoo has no idea how this whole thing works, but he knows for sure an error had been made.

How could _Jongin_ be the person who loved Kyungsoo the most when he was alive?

Kyungsoo has no idea what to do. But Jongin seems to be having a mental breakdown, eyes watery and lips quivering, hand gripping the door handle in a cramped fist. So Kyungsoo decides to put aside his concerns and to try to calm the scared man in front of him. Maybe if he explains everything to Jongin, the younger might help him find out a solution to fix the glitch in the curse.

Carefully, Kyungsoo takes a step towards Jongin. The younger flinches, erratic breaths coming in and out through his nose.

“Jongin, it’s fine,” Kyungsoo says in a soothing tone, earning a pitiful whimper, “It’s me. It’s Kyungsoo. Calm down, okay?” Another step and Jongin cowers away. Kyungsoo smiles hesitantly as his hand slowly reaches out. “Don’t be afraid. I’m not gonna hurt you.”

Jongin lets out a stifled sob, eyes going from Kyungsoo’s face to his fingers as they come near his own hand, still clamped around the handle. His whole body is shivering, face contorted in pure fear, and Kyungsoo’s heart tighten seeing how miserable the man looks because of him. It is a miracle he did not run away.

Kyungsoo half expects Jongin to start crying for good when his fingertips finally reach the younger’s hand. He already looks on the verge of tears. What he did not see coming, though, is the way Jongin’s knees buckle under his weight the moment their skin connect, just as a hot spark makes Kyungsoo’s hand prickle painfully. The younger gasps, suddenly looking out of breath. His legs give up and a second later, his knees collide with the carpeted floor in a muffled thud.

If Jongin looked scared before, it was nothing compared to how terrified his expression is now.

Kyungsoo wants to reach out once again, but the choked whimper coming out of Jongin’s lips as the boys clumsily crawls backward stops him. And before he can pronounce another word, Jongin is standing up on shaky legs and already bolting down the stairs. By the time Kyungsoo arrives in the living room, the younger man in nowhere to be seen.

Staring at the open front door, Kyungsoo tries to understand what just happened. The way Jongin fell on the floor, was it caused by his touch? He did feel something weird when his fingers brushed Jongin’s hand, different from when he had touched the trophy earlier. Was it because of the glitch? Maybe because Jongin was not supposed to be _the one_ , Kyungsoo touch had a bad effect on him?

Thoughts all over the place, Kyungsoo startles when an unexpectedly warm hand lands on his shoulder. He turns around in a heartbeat, and freezes when he sees his grandmother standing in front of him, a wistful smile stretching her thin and wrinkled lips.

“Mammy,” Kyungsoo whispers, eyes burning like it did earlier when he felt like crying.

“Kyungsoo, Love, come here,” the petite woman says, opening her arms. Kyungsoo takes a step forward, wrapping her in a tight embrace, soothed by the warmth of her body. He had missed her so much since she passed away, a few years back, “You’re fine, Snuggles. You will be fine, I promise,” she adds, rubbing circle on his back and Kyungsoo smiles at the endearing nickname she had always used for him.

“I missed you,” he sighs, pressing his cheeks against her grey hair.

She withdraws from the hug before cupping his cheeks in her hands.

“And I, you. But I wish we did not get to meet again so soon,” she says, shaking her head and Kyungsoo looks down, ashamed, “What is done is done, though. You will be alright. I will be here with you.”

 

***

 

“Mammy, something weird happened earlier.”

“Does it have anything to do with the young man I saw running out of the house?”

“Yes. And no? I’m not sure, I think something’s wrong,” Kyungsoo says, looking at her and hoping she will have an answer to his confusion, “I don’t understand. Sehun...he should see me, right?”

“Sehun, is he that boyfriend of yours? The tall boy with blond hair?”

“Yes, that’s him. Why- why can’t he see me? And why is _Jongin_ seeing me?”

“Oh Snuggles, I’m so sorry this is happening to you too,” his grandma answers with a sad smile.

“What do you mean? Is there a problem? Maybe something happened when I died? The curse can be wrong, right? Did it happen before?” he fires in one breath.

“Come here, let me tell you a story,” she says, taking his hand before she leads him in the backyard to sit on the bench under the tall whitebeam, “Your grandfather and I, we have known each other for a very long time. He was my childhood friend, best friend dare I say. We were not even ten years old when the war devastated our country, but we promised each other we would always be together, no matter what.” The smile on her face is so full of affection that Kyungsoo cannot help but grin back, gently squeezing her hand. “Over the years, what started out as friendship became a lot more. He was my first love, and I was his.”

“I remember Pappy telling me you were the most beautiful woman he had ever met,” Kyungsoo shyly says, clearly recalling the way his grandfather had always looked at her. Like she was the most precious thing in his life.

“He was a real flirt,” she chuckles, hiding her lips behind her free hand. But quickly, her face goes back to looking melancholic, “You know, your mother was only a baby when your grandpa was forced to leave us to find a better work in another city. Life wasn’t easy, back then. He spent almost a year away from us. But I never stopped praying for him to return home. To return to me. And when he finally did, I felt like I could finally breathe again. We still had financial difficulties, but the three of us were together, and this was all that mattered. Your mom grew up into a beautiful woman, she met your father and they gave us two healthy grandsons. Everything was perfect,” she contently sighs, lost in her memories, “Of course, time cannot be stopped, and I passed away sooner than I would have liked. But I got to spend wonderful years with all of you, so I wasn’t sad to leave. And I knew I would still have time with the love of my life.” The tone of her voice changes then, and Kyungsoo can feel the rest of the story is not as happy. “Unfortunately, things did not go as I thought they would.”

“What happened?” he asks hesitantly.

“When I woke up, after coming back, I quickly realized that...”

Kyungsoo watches her as she takes a deep shaky breath, and everything clicks in his mind.

“Pappy…he can’t…see you, right?”

“No, he cannot,” she answers, patting his hand.

“Then who-” Kyungsoo cuts himself, tentatively looking at her.

“Do you remember the library I often took you to, when you were younger?”

“The one that always smelled like tea and old paper?”

“Yes. The owner of that library was a man I had known for a quite some time.”

“Is it him? The one who can see you?” Kyungsoo inquires, surprised. He does not remember his grandmother and the man being particularly close. But she nods. “You didn’t know?” he then asks.

“No,” she shakes her head, “He never said anything while I was alive. I did not know him that well. He was just a man from the neighborhood. At least for me,” she says, looking down with a sad smile, “He had a wife, even children and grandchildren, just like I did. I was very surprised when he called my name at the funeral house.”

“But…What about Pappy?”

“Your grandfather was the love of my life. And he will always be.”

“But he loved you so much!”

“I know he did, Snuggles.”

“And he still does! Oh god, this is why he has been so sad since you passed away. I never understood. I thought… But...he- He couldn’t see you.” She shakes her head once more, “But then, do you... Are you with that man, now?”

During long seconds, Kyungsoo’s grandmother stares into his eyes, silent, before once again shaking her head.

“I made a promise to your Pappy, when I was young. We both did. So I decided to stay with him. I do not care if he cannot see me. He is the love of my life, I could not leave.”

“Is the other man still...alive?”

“He is,” she nods.

“What will happen? After he dies, I mean,” Kyungsoo asks, curious about how that part of the curse worked in this kind of situation.

He knew the person who could see the ghost was supposed to come back as a spirit too when their time had come. But what if the ghost was not returning their feelings? What happened then?

“That, I do not know. I never had any contact with him since that first day after my passing. The only thing I _do_ know, is that, if his love has faded away, he will not come back. And I hope it has.”

“Why?”

“Even when your grandpa will pass away, he will remain the only one for me. I would not want to condemn this innocent man’s soul to wander alone as a spirit for eternity. I will never be able to return his feelings. It would be for the best if they died out.”

“Do you think Pappy knew? About that man...”

“I have reasons to think he did, yes,” his grandmother sadly smiles, before her eyebrows furrow and her hand tightens around his, “Listen to me Kyungsoo, the same has happened before. This is why it is part of the rules not to talk about the curse, to anyone, before you come back. Do you remember what I taught you?”

“Yes. You told me I would only be allowed to explain everything to the person who can see me, only once I’d come back... But you never told me it could be someone else than the person _I_ loved,” he ends, looking down at their joined hands.

“Love is a strange thing, Snuggles,” she gently answers, “I was not the first to whom this happened,” her free hand comes up to caress his cheek, “And it seems I am not the last.”

“It’s not fair.”

“This does not mean your boyfriend did not love you, Kyungsoo. I’m sure he did, very much.”

“But not enough...” Kyungsoo breathes out, voice cracking and eyes burning.

After a long silence, Kyungsoo suddenly remembers what happened earlier in his room. Maybe his grandma would have an explanation.

“Mammy, can he...feel you? Pappy, I mean.”

“Feel me?” she asks, tilting her head.

“You know, can he feel your presence? When you...touch him?” he hesitantly says before he sees her eyes widen and panic paint her face.

“Oh no. Kyungsoo, dear, no,” she says, shaking her head, “I’m so sorry, this should have been the first thing I told you when I saw you. Snuggles, you cannot touch the livings.”

“What? Why not?”

“This could be very dangerous! Please, tell me you did not try to touch your boyfriend,” she pleads, both hands around his.

“No,” he answers, and his grandmother lets out a relieved sigh, “But I touched Jongin...”

“Snuggles, no. You cannot.”

“But why?”

“Do you remember when your Pappy got sick?”

“Yeah, it was a few months after you pass-”

Oh.

“When I came back and decided to stay with your grandpa, I tried to get in contact with him. Nobody was there to warn me about this, and I did not understand why he was reacting so badly every time I touched him,” she explains in a voice full of remorse, “So I tried to find my parents, in hope my father would know what was happening, and maybe had a way for me to reach your Pappy. But it was already too late when I did find him.”

“Too late?”

“Your great-grandfather explained to me, when we touch a living person, we drain life energy out of them. It does not affect us, despite being painful, but it can be really dangerous for them,” she pauses, blinking as if she was wishing away invisible tears, “By that time, your grandpa had already fallen very sick. Because of me.”

His memories start to replay the expression on Jongin’s face when their skin touched, the way his legs had given up, how he seems suddenly out of breath and his own eyes start burning again.

“Snuggles, promise me you will not try to reach to your boyfriend that way, please,” his grandma urges in a pleading tone.

Kyungsoo nods. But in the back of his mind, it is not Sehun’s face he sees. Kyungsoo is only afraid he might have really hurt Jongin when he touched him.

He needs to make sure the younger is fine.

 

***

 

Jongin was, is, Sehun’s best friend, and the both have known each other since kindergarten. He was also Jongdae’s younger brother. And Jongdae was Kyungsoo’s brother’s best friend.  
Kyungsoo himself had known Jongin since they were in middle school.

So really, he cannot understand why he does not know much about the young man.

He has spent the last week trying to find him. But apart from the useless fact that Jongin used to take art classes back in high school– and he only knows this because Sehun told him once –, Kyungsoo cannot recall anything about Jongin that could have helped him in his search. He does not know where he lives, what kind of job he has, what he enjoys doing during his free time. He is not even sure if Kim is really Jongin’s last name or if his brain made that up because it is a common one and it sounded plausible. He thinks Jongdae’s last name is Kim, so this is his best shot.  
But even if it is, and even if he could touch a phonebook without feeling like his hand is about to catch fire, the probability that there is only one Kim Jongin living in Seoul is approximately around none.

  
Yet, Kyungsoo keeps searching. He has to. He needs to find Jongin. Because what he _does_ know, is that Jongin is not very outgoing. He vaguely remembers the boy shying away from crowds or noisy places. Even small parties, or just simple friends gathering seemed to be too much for him. Out of all the nights their group of friends met, since middle school and even after he got with Sehun, Kyungsoo cannot recall seeing him more than five times. In twelve years.  
And really, Kyungsoo has always hated to assume things without having any tangible proof, but with the very few hints he has, he can imagine Jongin is not the type to just shrug and move on after seeing Kyungsoo when he was supposed to be dead. Not even mentioning the whole curse thing, which would mean Jongin _loved_ Kyungsoo.

So Kyungsoo thinks it is pretty safe to presume that, somewhere in Seoul, Jongin is freaking out and thinking he has gone crazy.

Kyungsoo _really_ needs to find him.

  
After aimlessly walking downtown in hopes he would bump into Jongin proved to be useless, Kyungsoo has a new plan.  
Follow Sehun. He and Jongin are best friends. They are bound to meet at some point, right?

Well, this sounded like a better idea in his ghost-head.

Lost in his self-imposed mission to find Jongin, Kyungsoo had almost forgotten he was dead, and of course some people were gonna be affected by that.

He remembers now.

Sehun is sad. Really sad. During the past three days, he did not leave their apartment, and Kyungsoo had to helplessly watch his boyfriend cry, curled up in their bed as he clutches one of Kyungsoo’s shirts. The younger’s parents came to visit every day, trying to comfort their son, but so far, their efforts have been in vain. Even if, as he tries to convince himself, his death would’ve at least mended the broken relationship between Sehun and his parents.

Kyungsoo is torn.

Of course, he wants to help. He wants to hold Sehun in his arms and brush off the tears on his face.

He also feels bad, knowing he is the one who cause Sehun all this pain.

But he feels even worse every time a spark of frustration makes his nape tingle. He needs to find Jongin, and Sehun is not helping.

The morning of the fifth day spent in their apartment, staring at his inconsolable boyfriend, Kyungsoo decides he cannot afford to waste any more time. He waits next to the front door for Sehun’s parents to show up, not really keen on experiencing the pain of going through that door again. Once was enough when he got here. If he can avoid feeling like his body is bursting into flames, he will gladly take the opportunity.

However, when the door opens, Kyungsoo finds himself staring at Jongin.

A very scared looking Jongin.

On the bright side, Kyungsoo will not have to look for him. But maybe the conversation he needs to have with the younger man would better not be held with Sehun in the next room.

If conversation there is.

And considering Jongin’s expression at the moment, Kyungsoo knows it is not gonna be easy.

“Jongin, hey. Please don’t freak out,” he says, trying to offer him a reassuring smile – which probably looks awkward – as he lifts his hands in front of him. Jongin flinches at the movement. Definitely not gonna be easy, “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

“Wh- wh- what are you? What have you done to Kyungsoo hyung?” Jongin stutters, stepping back when Kyungsoo drops his hands.

“It’s me, it’s Kyungsoo, I swear. Look, we need to talk but not here, it’s better if Sehun doesn’t-”

As he talks, Kyungsoo moves forward, hoping Jongin will understand and step back so they can discuss in the hallway. Except Jongin, still shocked, takes just a second too long. Kyungsoo bumps into him, effectively cutting his own sentence when he feels fire spread through his body. Jongin gasps, half choking as he stumbles backward, crashing into the wall, hand pressing against his sternum. His eyes widen as he looks into Kyungsoo’s, the hallway’s neon lights casting creepy shadows on his horrified face.

Without thinking, Kyungsoo takes a step towards him, hand reached out, but freezes when Jongin whimpers.

“D- don’t touch me! Stay away!” he says, body trembling as he presses himself against the wall the put as much distance as he can between him and Kyungsoo, “Don’t come near me. Don’t.”

And once again, before Kyungsoo can say anything else, Jongin is running away. The older does not bother going after him. It would only scare him more. Instead, Kyungsoo decides to go and visit his grandmother. Maybe she will be able to help.

 

***

 

Grandmothers are the best. Kyungsoo has never been more convinced of that fact than he is now.

When they are alive, they bake cookies and pies, they secretly give you money when your parents are not looking, with a nice “go and buy yourself something you like”, they make you listen to awesome old songs, they tell you funny stories about when your parents were younger, they always give you rational and amazing advices.  
And when they are a ghost...well, they can teach you how to touch and _move_ objects, which, right now, is what Kyungsoo really needs.

After getting scolded for bumping into Jongin when he told her what happened, his grandma suggested to use a milder approach.

Jongin was obviously afraid of Kyungsoo. Understandable, of course, but problematic nonetheless. Her idea was most likely to work better.

  
After a couple of weeks, Kyungsoo manages to hold light items in his hands. It still hurts, and there were some mishaps – like when a girl freaked out after seeing a floating spoon in a café – but he is proud of himself and ready to go on with his new plan.

This is why he finds himself standing in Jongin’s living room while the younger man is absent. It had been quite difficult to find his address, and credit needed to be given to his grandma, or he would probably still be searching.

This “milder approach” is probably his best shot. He hopes Jongin will be more receptive if he does not have to confront him ghost-face to face. Placing the pen back on the coffee table, he re-reads the short message he wrote on a post-it note.

  
Jongin, I’m really sorry if I scared you.  
Please let me explain.  
I won’t touch you again, I promise.  
\--DK

  
The handwriting is messier than his usually neat one, but again, he never tried to write with his skin burning when he was alive. It would’ve probably looked like that.  
The last sentence is also a tad weird and creepy, if taken out of context, so Kyungsoo really hopes Jongin will not have any guest that could eventually read the note before he does. But just in case, he made sure not to sign with his full name.  
Jongin is supposed to _love him_ , as bizarre as it sounds, so he will most likely recognize Kyungsoo’s initials, right? And it is not like a lot of person scared him, had something to explain, and touched him lately anyway. Or so Kyungsoo hopes, for the sake of Jongin’s sanity.

For a few days, he gives Jongin some space, going against his urge to follow him every morning when the younger leaves his place for work cladded in an ironed suit. He usually stays hidden, only going inside the apartment to see if maybe Jongin has written something back on the sticky note. But a week later, his message is still the only one. So Kyungsoo decides to try again. He picks up a new post it and stick it next to the first, only writing a simple “ _Please_ ” on it.

He does the same the day after. A mere “ _I promise it’s really me_ ”, pasting the note next the others.

After two weeks, the left side of the coffee table is covered in yellow sticky notes. Kyungsoo sighs as he stands in front of it. Maybe the milder approach was a bit _too_ mild.

He is about to grab the pen when he notices something. It is definitely not where he left it the day before. He crouches, squinting as his eyes check every single piece of paper – apparently, being dead did not fix his stupid defective eyesight.

And he sees it.

That post-it is from three days ago, when Kyungsoo had decided for some reason to draw a small ghost doodle, and to write “ _You’re not crazy. I can explain, please let me!_ ” in a speech bubble.

Kyungsoo smiles.  
Under his doodle is a small drawing of a chibi-bear wearing a snapback. And right next to it, a tiny speech balloon surrounding the word “ _Okay_ ”.

 

***

 

Jongin is still afraid, there is no doubt about it. He flinches whenever Kyungsoo moves too quick, and he shuffles from one foot to the other like he is ready to rush out of his own apartment the next second.  
Of course, Kyungsoo cannot blame him. But it is making him uncomfortable, and he does not know where to start.

How do you announce to someone your family has been cursed, centuries ago? How do you tell them you are a ghost, but _they_ can see you because they are the person who _loved you the most_ when you were alive? How do you state all this to a _boy_ , who you were sure up until recently was _straight_ , when you are a boy too?

Kyungsoo has no clue how to do this. He does not want to scare Jongin by coming on too strong and claiming Jongin was _gay_ when the young man had clearly not come out of the closet yet. Is he even _aware_ he loved Kyungsoo?

Focused on trying to get Jongin to meet him, he had forgotten to think of what he would actually have to tell him. And standing in front of the fidgety boy, Kyungsoo is puzzled.

“H-hyung… Is it… Is it really you?” Jongin eventually stutters and Kyungsoo gulps before taking a deep – and useless – breath. Then he nods. “But...you- You died… Didn’t you?” Another nod. “Then how…”

Jongin looks so baffled and anxious, eyebrows furrowed, and lips parted as he stares into Kyungsoo’s eyes.

The older sighs. He cannot tell Jongin the whole truth. The curse thing will be big enough to digest. No need to go for “ _Hey, so apparently, you were in love with me, and you happen to be the one who loved me the most in the entire word! Great, isn’t it? By the way, how was your day?_ ”

So Kyungsoo breathes in deeply once more, and when Jongin finally sits on his couch, he starts talking.  
The more he speaks, the bigger Jongin’s eyes grow. And it comforts him in his decision.  
He puts aside the real reason of why the curse was put on his ancestor, and twists the story a tad, just mentioning “ _only one person can see the ghost_ ”.  
When Jongin timidly asks if the person is chosen randomly, Kyungsoo grits his teeth and nods, only providing a mere “ _Randomly among the people the dead knew when they were alive._ ”  
He does not talk about Jongin possibly returning as a ghost when he will die. It would probably induce questions about _why_ he may or may not come back. And that would lead to the love-fading-away topic, which would inevitably force Kyungsoo to bring up the you-loved-me-the-most detail.

Kyungsoo stares at Jongin. The younger still looks apprehensive, munching on his nails as his eyes flutter around the room.

 _Now what?_ This is what Kyungsoo is wondering. And somehow, Jongin gives him an answer.

“So...it means I can always see you?” he shyly inquires, words muffled by his index finger still resting on his bottom lip. Kyungsoo nods. “Then...are you gonna stick around?”

He had not considered what would happened once he got to explain everything to Jongin, had not imagine Jongin would _want_ to spend time with him.

“Only if you want me to,” Kyungsoo offers with an awkward shrug.

It is not like he had anything better to do anyway, right?  
And he was still curious about how Jongin had ended up _loving_ him enough for him to be _the one_.

Biting the nail of his thumb, Jongin nods.

Getting to know him would probably be a good thing.

  
When Kyungsoo sees his grandmother, later that day, to tell her he finally explained everything to Jongin, she asks a question that lets him dumbfounded.

“Did you decide to let go of your boyfriend, then?”

And it is only then Kyungsoo realizes he did not even think of Sehun once during the whole time he was with Jongin.

Apparently, he does not need to make a choice. He had already unconsciously decided, the moment he agreed to stay around Jongin.

 

***

 

Spending time with Jongin feels odd. Kyungsoo is not used to it, despite having known the boy for years.

Kyungsoo has always been a pretty open and outgoing person, speaking his mind without fear. He never minded what other people would think of him. And since Sehun was the same, they had never been awkward around each other.

But with Jongin, Kyungsoo feels like he is walking on eggshells. He knows it is mostly because he hides things from the younger. But still, Jongin’s personality is a mystery. Jongin himself is an enigma, and Kyungsoo never knows what the younger is thinking.

He is scared to ask, though, afraid any conversation could lead to him having to reveal the information he omitted.

Their discussions remain superficial, but slowly, Kyungsoo learns small things. Like the fact that Jongin has just been promoted as the Marketing Manager of a large firm selling multimedia products. And how he does not exactly enjoy his job and mostly studied marketing to please his parents, since they thought his dream was too much of a risk to pursue.  
The moment he asks Jongin if his dream had anything to do with the art field, adding he recalls Jongin took art classes back in high school, Kyungsoo knows he should have kept his ghost-mouth shut. The look on Jongin’s face, and the crack in his voice when he utters a breathy “You remember that?” have Kyungsoo instantly backpedaling. He does not dive any further. He did not remember it. He did not even know. Or rather, only because Sehun had told him. But he would rather not bring him in the conversation.

Kyungsoo also finds out Jongin does not have many friends. He does not hang out with his colleagues either, going straight back home after work hours are over.  
In the two months Kyungsoo has spent around, the younger never went out anywhere else than his office. Like a routine, he would wake up, get ready, head to work, come back at the end of the day, shower, eat, watch tv, then go to bed. Kyungsoo had been trying to fit in this clocked schedule as much as he could, being here every morning and every evening. He did not need to sleep, so he spent most nights sat on Jongin’s couch, staring at the glowing tv screen, waiting for Jongin to wake up and begin yet another humdrum day.

It takes another month for Kyungsoo to start feeling somewhat comfortable around Jongin.  
The younger has been a bit more open lately, and even if Kyungsoo is not sure what happened, he is glad he is able to talk more freely. He still keeps a safe distance between them, whenever they are in the same room. Jongin does not question it, and Kyungsoo still does not bring up the no-touching rule.

He keeps learning things about Jongin. Sometimes the younger tells him, and sometimes he finds out by himself, just watching him.  
Jongin hates coffee, but likes tea a lot. He sings in the shower, hates wearing socks and eats messily. He likes jazz music, but still hums along R’n’B songs when the radio is on. He never lets dishes pile up in the sink and likes his apartment to be clean. He likes reading comics, but will enjoy a good contemporary novel every once in a while.

Kyungsoo also discovers Jongin has one tattoo, two types of favorite candies, three poodles at his parents’ house, four chickenpox scars on his forehead and five ex-girlfriends.

And along the way, Kyungsoo finds out Jongin is really, _really_ adorable. And Kyungsoo really, _really_ likes spending time with him.

 

***

 

It has been seven months since Kyungsoo died, almost five since he decided to stay around Jongin. After an awkward start, things really got easier every day, and Kyungsoo can now say he is really glad he made this choice.  
And everything would be fine, if it was not for that little voice in the back of his mind, telling him he is being dishonest with Jongin. He tries to ignore it most of the time, but guilt is still creeping in his ghost-blood every time he sees Jongin smile at him.

He got so used to the younger shy grins, to the pinkish tint of his cheeks when Kyungsoo smiles back, to the way his eyes cutely crinkle when he laughs and the way he bites his lips and looks away when Kyungsoo chuckles too.

The older does not want to ruin the progress they made. But he knows it is not right to withdraw something that important. He just has no idea how to bring it up.

  
Jongin gives him the opportunity without meaning to.

One night, he comes back home from work later than usual, a somber look on his face. Kyungsoo immediately understands something is wrong when he sees Jongin avoid his eyes.

Inexplicably anxious, he decides to ask if anything happened.

“I visited Sehun,” Jongin says, still not looking at him as he sits on his couch.

Kyungsoo blinks as he slowly sits next to him, the contact somewhat burning the back of his thighs. It had been a long time since he thought about his boyfriend. _Ex-boyfriend_ , his mind reminds him. Jongin never brings the man up, most likely out of consideration. He might think Kyungsoo is sad the curse did not _randomly_ pick Sehun. And if it was true at first, it has been months since Kyungsoo has felt that way.

“I see… Is he doing okay?” the older asks in a gentle voice.

Jongin looks clearly hesitant for reasons Kyungsoo does not get. It irks him. He does not like seeing Jongin looking so troubled, does not like the way he is nervously biting his lower lip, eyebrow furrowed and shifty eyes.

“He…”

In five months, Kyungsoo never wished he could touch the younger so bad. He wants to take his hand and brush his thumb on Jongin’s knuckles to reassure him. He wants to rub away the crease between his brows. He wants to cup his cheek to make Jongin look at him. He wants to hold him in his arms until he smiles again.

He does not.

“Jongin, what is it?” he inquires instead, hands clasps on his thighs to fight the urge to _reach out_.

“He- ...He started seeing someone,” Jongin eventually says, tentatively looking up. Kyungsoo stays silent, face blank. “It’s a man who started working recently in his department. His name is Junmyeon,” the younger adds, voice going quieter with every word.

Frowning, Kyungsoo waits.

He waits for the pang in his heart. Waits for his eyes to burn. Waits for his stomach to tighten.

He waits.

And waits.

But nothing happens.

He feels nothing. There is no pain, no feeling of betrayal, no jealousy. Nothing.

“H- hyung?”

Jongin’s voice sounds distant as Kyungsoo keeps searching deep inside, waiting for a spark of hurt to ignite.

But there is still nothing.

Nothing, until Jongin, who must have misunderstood the reason of his silence, reaches out and place a hand on Kyungsoo’s forearm.

“Hyung, I-” he starts, before suddenly choking on air the second their skin touch.

Kyungsoo hisses, yanking his arm away at the burning sensation flaring up to his shoulder.

Panic spread through his weightless ghost-body when he looks up and sees Jongin trying to catch his breath, eyes scrunched closed.

“Are you okay?” he asked hastily, controlling his impulse to grab the younger’s hand at the last second.

“Why-” Jongin starts before a coughing fit stops him. Kyungsoo shakily exhales, worried sick. “Why does this always happen?”

“I- I’m sorry, I should’ve told you about this earlier. I just…” Kyungsoo sighs when Jongin lifts distressed eyes up to look at him, “You can’t- _We_ can’t touch each other. It could be really dangerous for you.”

“Why? What could happen?” Jongin asks, breath still uneven.

“From what my grandmother told me, it kinda...sucks life energy out of you?” he explains, before shaking his head, “Not just you. I- I can’t touch any human.”

“But-”

“I’ve seen what could happen, Jongin. My grandfather...he’s really sick now because of that. I can’t- I don’t want that to happen to anyone. Even less to you.”

Jongin stares at him.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” he shyly asks.

“I don’t know. I guess at first, I didn’t want to scare you even more than you already were,” Kyungsoo answers and Jongin looks away, clearly embarrassed, “And it didn’t really matter after that. I just had to be careful not to stand too close to you…”

“You should’ve told me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Is there...anything else you didn’t tell me?” Jongin then inquires, looking back straight into Kyungsoo eyes.

This is it. Maybe this is the opportunity he needed, to tell Jongin about _why_ he could see Kyungsoo.  
Jongin seemed to accept the no-touching revelation pretty well. All Kyungsoo can hope is that he would react the same for the rest.

“There is something I kinda...twisted a bit…” he says, observing Jongin’s face intently, “For the same reason. I didn’t want you to...freak out, so I altered some facts.”

“Like what?”

“The curse… It doesn’t exactly pick the person who can see the ghost _randomly_.”

“Then how- How does it work?”

Just like Kyungsoo thought, Jongin does look scared. But he seems willing to listen. Kyungsoo holds onto that.

He summarizes the story his grandmother used to tell him, trying to give as much information as he can in a succinct version of the enchantress’ tale, still studying Jongin’s expression.

Once he is done, the younger’s face is impassible.

“I don’t understand…” he breathes out, searching Kyungsoo’s eyes, “Wh- what does that _mean_?”

“It means the ghost can only be seen by the person who...loved them the most when they were alive,” Kyungsoo clarifies in a soft voice.

“But…”

“It’s fine, Jongin! I don’t mind that you-”

“No,” Jongin cuts him sharply, and Kyungsoo flinches at the loud interruption.

“...No?”

“I don’t- You- No!”

“Jongi-”

“No! Stop lying! I don’t-” Jongin’s face is painted with panic and he abruptly stands up from the couch, “I didn’t love you! I don’t!”

“Wh- what?”

“I’m- I’m not _gay_!” he shouts, taking a step back, “Why would you even say that? It’s ridiculous! I’m not gay!”

“Wait, liste-”

“No! Get out!”

“But-”

“Now!” he yells, “Don’t come near me!” he adds when Kyungsoo stands and steps towards him, “Get out!”

When Kyungsoo keeps staring at him in shock, Jongin turns around, grabs his coat and bolts out of his own apartment.

Kyungsoo does not follow him. He stands there in the living room, looking at the front door Jongin did not even bother shutting.

And he realizes what he had been waiting for earlier is happening now.

The vice tightening around his stomach. The burn in his eyes, stronger than ever. The feeling of his heart shattering in a deafening pang.

Except it has nothing to do with Sehun.

He might like Jongin more than he thought.

And he might have just ruined everything and scare Jongin away for good.

 

***

 

Kyungsoo does not seek Jongin out. He does not try to find him, does not show up at his apartment anymore after realizing the young man is not coming home at night.  
He might be at Jongdae’s place, or at his parents’. But Kyungsoo does not check.

He does not want Jongin to feel pressured. From what his grandmother assured him when he told her about the disaster that had taken place a few days before, the curse had never been wrong before.  
She tried to comfort him as best as she could, telling him Jongin would come around, somehow, and he would find his way back to Kyungsoo.

“Or his love will dissolve, and you will both move on,” she said when she saw how unconvinced he looked by the first outcome she had offered.

That one is not much better, and does not settle nicely in his chest, but he cannot do this to Jongin. He refuses to impose himself, knowing having Kyungsoo around might force Jongin to distance himself from the world because of him.

“You did not know he had such feelings for you, before your passing,” she had added, “Maybe it would be easier for you, and for him, if they were gone.”

“I’m not sure I want them to fade away,” Kyungsoo had sighed, trying to speak through the knot constricting his throat.

He is aimlessly roaming the streets, a few weeks later, when Life decides for him.

He somehow, probably unconsciously, ended up in Jongin’s neighborhood, one night, when he sees the man marching down the sidewalk.

For a fleeting second, he wants to hide, so Jongin would not see him. But even from afar, Kyungsoo can clearly see his expression, contorted in pain, eyes red and tears falling down his cheeks.

Kyungsoo freezes, ghost-body held still by invisible strings, useless breath stuck in his lungs.

Before he knows it, the younger’s gaze has fallen on him, and after an imperceptible pause in his steps, his pace fasten, until he stands before an immobile Kyungsoo.

An arm-length away from each other, their eyes are locked, Kyungsoo frowning as he searches answers in the younger’s orbs, as tears are still streaming down his face, pooling under his chin.

“Hyung…”

The word coming out in a broken whimper, just above a whisper, makes Kyungsoo’s heart stutter, and he has to fight with all his will the need to take Jongin in his arms.

“What happened? Why are you crying? Are you in pain?” he asks in one breath, worried gaze begging.

“I told him,” Jongin sobs, “I told Sehun.”

“What did you tell him? Jongin, what _happened_?”

“I told him I am in love with you. That I’ve always been.”

Once more, Kyungsoo’s heart wobbles, reacting both to the meaning of those words and the agony in Jongin’s tone, bliss and pain battling inside his dead body.

He remains silent, as Jongin keeps softly crying, just as quiet, and for long minutes, he tries to figure out what to do, what to say, what to _think_.  
Until finally, he sighs.

“Let’s go to your apartment, come on,” he gently says, bending a little to catch Jongin’s eyes despite his head being lowered to the ground.

The younger lightly nods, tears jiggling on his chin and hitting the concrete, before they both slowly make their way inside the apartment complex.  
Once Jongin is settled on his couch, Kyungsoo does his best to prepare him some tea. It still hurts, to touch tangible objects, and the smell of it is almost unbearable now that his dead-nose picks scents so differently, but he grits his teeth, and goes through the process without a word. Jongin needs him, as surreal as it sounds, and he is not about to let him down.

“What happened?” he inquires for the third time when he is seated next to the younger, the steaming cup of tea placed on the coffee table.

“I went to see him, cause I wanted to… I don’t know, just talk to him, I guess,” Jongin starts, sniffling, eyes casted down on his lap, “But all he was talking about was his new boyfriend…”

Like last time the topic was brought up, Kyungsoo waits for the pain to kick in, but when nothing comes, he merely hums, encouraging Jongin to keep going.

After a silence, Jongin’s fingers starts picking at the raw skin around his thumb nail as he speaks.

“He kept telling me how great he is, and how wonderful and natural their relationship is. And it made me so mad, Hyung,” the younger says, voice cracking, suddenly looking straight in Kyungsoo’s eyes, “How can he even say something like that? How is he able to just…”

“Jongin… I died,” Kyungsoo answers, trying to sound as gentle as he can, “I’m dead. He had to move on, eventually.”

“But how can he do it so quickly?” Jongin exclaims louder, face scrunched in a pained expression, “It’s not even been eight months! And all those years I never said anything, because I thought he was so in love with you and I didn’t want to ruin what you both had, or my friendship with him! But now he’s all about that man and how can he do this to you? How can he look at me in the eyes and tell me all these things?”

“He didn’t know you...cared about me that much. You can’t blam-”

“Yes he did! That’s the worst part! When I told him, he just stared at me, and then he told me he _knew_. He told me he had known for _years_! Even before you started dating, Hyung...”

“Oh…”

“I got mad. Really mad. I could just think how _cruel_ it was, to tell me all this even though he knew! And I- I just...flipped. I punched him and I…”

Jongin sighs and Kyungsoo cannot do anything but stare, despite wanting to reach out and take his hand, cup his face and wipe the new tears again, hug him until his shoulders stop shaking.

He should probably feel bad for Sehun, and he would surely have, had he been alive. But he only feels resentment towards the person who hurt Jongin and made him cry.

“I loved you so much, Hyung,” the younger brokenly sobs, keeping their gazes locked, “I still do. How could he say that to me?”

“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo simple says, then, seeing the question in Jongin’s watery eyes, “I’m sorry _I_ didn’t see it.”

“What would you have done anyway,” Jongin says with a joyless chuckle, eyes dropping back on his lap.

Nothing.

No matter how much Kyungsoo would like the answer to be different, he knows that, even if he had known Jongin had feelings for him, it would not have changed anything. He was in love with Sehun, they were happy together. And Jongin was only his boyfriend’s best friend, a boy he never really noticed. He would have most likely felt awkward and maybe even avoided him, on the rare occasion their path crossed.

Kyungsoo knows that. And Jongin does too.

But things are different, now. Because he is dead, and everything changed. The feelings he had for Sehun are not the same, and even if, deep down, he still somehow cares for the boy, the loving affection is no longer here.

It is useless to deny he had grown attached to Jongin, even more pointless after the young man had bared his feeling a few minutes earlier.

So, Kyungsoo shifts on the couch, the back of his thighs tingling uncomfortably at the contact with yet another object, and he comes just a bit closer to Jongin.

“Maybe it’s a good thing I died, then,” he softly says, and Jongin’s widened eyes shoot up, his mouth opening to protest, “Now, I know. Now, I _see_ you, just like you can see me,” he ends, placing his hand on the edge of the cushion, a few centimeters away from Jongin’s knee.

He watches as Jongin’s gaze goes down to stare at his fingers, eyebrows furrowing.

“No touching… It means I can’t hold your hand?” he asks, looking back up at his face, and Kyungsoo shakes his head, lips tilting apologetically, “I can’t...kiss you either?”

Something twists in Kyungsoo stomach when he sees Jongin’s eyes fixing his lips.

“No, I’m sorry.”

“But I want to.”

“It could be dangerous for you, Jongin. I don’t want to hurt y-”

“I don’t care if it hurts, Hyung!” the younger says, hand suddenly reaching out, and Kyungsoo jerks his own away before their skin can touch.

“Don’t! I really don’t want to hurt you,” he says, tone pleading.

Eventually, Jongin sighs, shoulders drooping.

“But...you’ll stay, right?” he timidly asks, “With me…”

And Kyungsoo wants to come closer, hold his hands and promise him he will remain by Jongin’s side, for as long as the man wants him to.

But he cannot. He cannot promise him something so big, when he knows how this could all end. He is still afraid about the consequences.

So he simply nods.

He will stay. At least for as long as it does not affect Jongin’s life.

 

***

 

Kyungsoo can honestly say the two years following that day are the happiest of his life. Or his death. Both work, actually.

They discover each other, or rather, Kyungsoo learns more about Jongin, while the younger reveals all he already knows about Kyungsoo.

Of course, Jongin gets sad, sometimes. The man, Kyungsoo finds out, is quite tactile, and he often has to flinch away or step back when Jongin impulsively reaches for him. It always brings a crease between Jongin’s eyebrows, and the older has to coax him out of his sulking sessions with sweet and loving words whenever it happens.

Kyungsoo would like to say that, apart from this, everything is perfect.

Except, lately, his fear has been coming true.

It all started when they went grocery shopping, and Jongin laughed at a comment Kyungsoo carelessly threw. He usually avoided giving Jongin reasons to answer at whatever he said, knowing people would look at him weirdly if he started talking alone. He had not plan his dumb remark about carrots would earn such a loud reaction from the younger.

And just like he assumed, the couple next to them had granted Jongin a queasy stare, looking at him as if he was deranged. The younger, forever shy, had bowed and apologized many times before rushing away and out of the store, full basket forgotten in the cereals alley.

It had taken almost the entire afternoon for him to get Jongin to smile again, and they had both agreed it would be best for the younger to go to the grocery store, and any other public place, on his own, from now on.  
Well, Kyungsoo had agreed more than Jongin did, but ultimately, they both knew it was for the best.

And everything could have gone back to normal, if that word even made sense when it comes to a relationship between a ghost and a living person, brought together by a curse.

But it did not.

Jongin was sad, whenever he had to leave the apartment without Kyungsoo, and slowly, just as the older had feared, he started distancing himself from the world, ordering food delivery rather than going out to buy what he needed to cook, straight out refusing any invitations from the few friends he had, even missing a couple days at work after an incident he had refused to talk about.  
Kyungsoo had, however, managed to find out one of his colleague had offered to introduce Jongin to one of his female friend, and Jongin, without thinking, had replied he was already taken. Which would have been just fine, if said colleague had not tried to know more about the mysterious lover, clearly not believing the younger. More than the fact that Jongin still had not come out, it was also out of question to say anything about Kyungsoo that could raise any suspicion or make Jongin look like a lunatic.

The younger had apparently sputtered some excuses and fled, locking himself in the office bathroom, and when he finally got out, an hour later, he meticulously avoided all his colleagues until it had been time for him to go home. The next two days, he called in sick and refused both to leave the apartment, and to say anything to Kyungsoo.

The older had had to wait until Jongin was napping to quickly swing by his office and try to find out what had happened, his ghost abilities, for once, really useful.  
He may or may not have knocked a steaming cup of coffee on one of the colleague’s lap when he heard the guy’s degrading remark about Jongin, but Kyungsoo will claim it was just an accident if this goes to ghost-court. He will also deny enjoying the man’s high-pitched shriek as he held his burnt crotch with teary eyes.

The sadder Jongin grows, the more concerned Kyungsoo is, but not wanting to aggravate the situation, since the few times he brought it up, Jongin had ended up crying, he tends to keep his worries to himself.

Until one night, he finally reaches his breaking point.

He has been pacing in Jongin’s living room for a long time, now, eyes shifting between the clock on the wall and the front door every minute. The younger should have been home two hours ago, but there is still no sign of him and Kyungsoo’s insides are twisting uncomfortably.

Jongin is never late. He _always_ comes back to Kyungsoo as soon as he possibly can.

After another half hour, he decides to go check at the younger’s office. He had never worked overtime so far, but Kyungsoo is worried and sick of waiting, he just needs to make sure everything is fine.

The rain is pouring outside, falling through his immaterial body, when he finally arrives in front of the massive building.  
He somehow manages to get up to the floor Jongin’s office is on, but after a quick search, the man is still nowhere to be found. There are, however, some of his colleagues, working extra hours, and despite still being pissed off at one of them, he steps closer, hoping they would maybe give away some useful information.

He doesn’t know what he expected. But surely, it was not what he hears.

“Yeah, apparently, he drove right into the road safety railing,” the man laughs, “I’m telling you, something’s wrong with that dude.”

“He did it on purpose?” the petite woman in front of him asks, sounding half confused and half entertained by the gossip.

“Yeah, from what I understood! He’s been in the hospital since this morning, that’s why he didn’t come to work, today.”

“Not that we miss him,” another guy snorts.

“Hey, don’t be mean.,” the woman scolds him with a light slap on his forearm,” I never thought Jongin would be the kind of person to do that, though…”

“Yeah, never thought he’d have the balls!” the first one guffaws.

And if Kyungsoo had not been trying to find his breath through his shattering soul, he would have gladly lashed onto the guy and ripped him to shreds.

But he has a more pressing matter to deal with, at the moment.

It takes him some time to find the right hospital Jongin has been taken to, and some more to find his room, all along cursing his invisible and useless body, but when he recognizes Jongin’s mother in the hallway, crying in her husband’s arms, he knows he has found it.

And if his heart had still been beating, the second he entered the room, it would have undoubtedly stopped.

Pallid skin and eyes closed, Jongin lies still in the bed, the raise of his rib cage the only discernible movement. Kyungsoo slowly walks in, steps synchronizing with the rhythmical _beeps_ coming from the machine connected to Jongin’s finger, until he stands next to the bed, ghost-body shivering.

The cervical brace around Jongin’s neck looks so scary, just as much as the bandage wrapped around his head, and the large taped gauze covering his nose, barely concealing the bruised and swollen skin around his shut eyes.

There is no spooky tube coming out of him, apart from the intravenous line linked to the needle on the back of his scratched hand and the cannula providing oxygen, laying under his nose, so Kyungsoo figures, in a spark of rationality, the younger is probably not in a critical state. But seeing him immobile and as pale as death is terrifying nonetheless.

“What did you do?” he breathes, eyes roaming on the sleeping figure he had grown to love so much.

The regular _beep_ is the only answer he gets, and his eyes burns more than they ever had as he tearlessly sobs, fist clenched to fight the agonizing need to grab Jongin’s hand.

The next hours are nothing but a long and excruciating wait. Kyungsoo hides when Jongin wakes up, his family rushing into the room, followed by a doctor who meticulously examines him and assures his loved ones he is mostly fine.

“He was lucky,” the doctors says, “His injuries are quite superficial, considering the force of the impact.”

  
It is not until the moonlight has invaded the room and Jongin’s mother is fast asleep on the chair next to the bed, that Kyungsoo eventually reveals himself. Jongin gasps, heartbeat monitor chaotically beeping for a moment when he sees Kyungsoo’s intense stare.

They stay silent, at first, before the older sighs and takes the last step towards the bed.

“Jongin, what happened?” he murmurs, eyes never leaving Jongin’s own.

“I… I lost control of the car.”

The answer given in a cracking voice has Kyungsoo closing his eyelids and gritting his teeth.

“Don’t lie to me. I heard-… The doctor said that you-…” he utters, more and more confused as he speaks, the reality falling hard on him, “Jongin, why did you do that? Why would you _do that_?”

And his voice must be begging enough for Jongin to drop the pretend and admit everything, tone low to avoid waking up his mother.

“I wanna be with you, Hyung. For real!” he whispers, then, more urgently, “I wanna touch you! Hold your hand, kiss you and…and more. But I can’t! And it hurts, Hyung!”

“Jongin…”

“So I thought, maybe if I…if I died, I would be a ghost too! And I could be with you!”

How can a heart shatter like this, when it is not even beating anymore? How can Kyungsoo feel pain down to his fingertips when his nerves are not even alive.  
How can love make you suffer that much?

How could he not see the signs? How could he not prevent this from happening?

He has been selfish. He wanted to stay with Jongin, and his greed had pushed Jongin to tip over the edge.

He cannot let that happen again. He does not care if he has to spend the rest of the eternity alone. As long as Jongin is fine, living a normal life, Kyungsoo will be okay.

So he takes a deep breath, decision taken.

“We’ll talk about it tomorrow. You need to rest.”

“But you’ll stay, right? You’re not going anywhere?” Jongin suddenly panics, sending once more the monitor in a frenzy.

“I’ll spend the night here, yes,” he replies with a small nod and a forced smile, “Go to sleep, now. I’ll still be here in the morning.”

He knows he is using the fact Jongin did not specify how long he wanted Kyungsoo to stay, but it is better to let him rest for now.

Kyungsoo needs to organize his thoughts, anyway. He spends the night watching Jongin sleep, hating himself already for what he is about to do, but knowing he has no other choice.  
He wants to be with Jongin too, fully, but not if it means the younger has to die.

If his love fades away, then he will not come back. He is counting on that, now.

  
Morning comes, bringing a wave of visitors, family, nurses and doctors. Jongin is examined all over again, his IV gets changed, and the doctor concludes he should be able to leave the hospital in a couple of days, granted he stays careful and rests at home for at least another week.

Jongin nods as best as he can without bothering his neck brace, eyes shifting for a second towards Kyungsoo, who silently stands in the far corner of the room.

When they finally are left alone in the room, Kyungsoo steps closer under Jongin’s penetrating gaze.

“I’ll be coming home soon,” Jongin starts, visibly uncomfortable, “I can’t wait, the food here is nasty,” he adds in a forced joking tone, probably trying to dissipate the tick tension separating them.

“You’ll have to be careful and not overwork yourself.”

Something shifts in Jongin’s eyes, as if those words had sent an alarm inside his mind.

“But you’ll be here to take care of me, right?” he asks, tone going a bit higher.

“No, I won’t.”

Kyungsoo despises himself for being so curt, not even looking directly at Jongin and choosing to stare at the pillow the younger’s head lays on. But he cannot bring himself to be gentler, or his resolution might crumble. He needs to stay strong if he want his lies to be convincing enough.

“W- What? Why not?”

“I didn’t tell you anything sooner because I thought it was nothing, but…”

“Hyung, what is it?”

“...My time is over,” he bluntly announces, “I actually went to see my grandmother during the night, because I understood something was wrong, yesterday. And she told me I was gonna...fade away, and finally rest.”

“Hyung, what are you saying…”

“It only happens to those of us who get to spend time with the person who loved them...if we love them too,” he explains, the lie burning his throat as he still avoids Jongin’s eyes, but still needing the younger to know he _does_ care about him, “Which is why she is still here, since she chose to remain with my grandfather and not with...that other man who could see her.”

“But...what does that _mean_?” the younger asks, voice cracking.

“I have to leave now, Jongin. Me coming back, since I stayed with you, it was only for a short amount of time. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“So…I won’t see you anymore?”

His voice sounds so small, fear lacing the quiet intonations as everything seems to finally click in his head.

“No. I’m really sorry.”

“But then… What am I gonna do?”

This, more than the trembling tone, threatens to break Kyungsoo’s heart.

“You’re going to keep living your life,” he says, finally looking up and right in Jongin’s teary eyes, “Live a long life, and be happy. Do everything you wanna do. Live your life to the fullest. Can you do this for me, Jongin?”

Slowly, Jongin shakes his head, his stubble rubbing against the neck brace.

“How can I be happy when I won’t have you with me?” he says, begging tone ending in a sob.

“Because I’m asking you to be. Please.”

“But you-”

“Even if you can’t see me anymore…I’ll always watch over you. I’ll find a way,” Kyungsoo promises, because at least, this is something he is not lying about, “But I won’t be able to rest in peace if I know you’re not happy.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes are burning as he watches tears run down Jongin’s temples in an endless stream. The younger looks so small, so fragile, Kyungsoo wants nothing more than cradle him in his arms and tell him all this is just a lie, that he will stay with him and protect him.  
But he does not. He stands still, listening to the erratic _beeps_ of the machine, looking at Jongin’s soul-shattered expression.

“Close your eyes,” he eventually says, once the flow of tears has somewhat subsided, ”Please,” he adds when Jongin lifts watery eyes towards him and shakes his head once more.

When the younger complies, eyelids squeezing shut, forcing out more tears, Kyungsoo leans down, until his mouth is hovering above Jongin’s own, cold breath brushing against warm skin.

“Hyung…” Jongin whispers so low, Kyungsoo would have not heard it if he had not been so close.

“Keep them close,” he murmurs.

Gently, he crosses the remaining distance and presses his lips on Jongin’s ones, feeling his own skin tingle and burn at the contact. Jongin gasps, the monitor controlling his heartbeat exploding in anarchic sounds as his breathing turns uneven and his eyes scrunch even further.  
Lips unmoving, Kyungsoo pushes some more, until the pain gets too intense and he has to withdraw.

A nurse is suddenly barging into the room, rushing to the younger’s side as he wheezes, trying to catch his breath, eyeballs rolling back behind his closed eyelids.

By the time he finally opens them, the older has already left. And from the hallway, where he hides, Kyungsoo’s eyes burn as he hears Jongin’s wailing sobs covering the nurse’s panicked questions.

 

***

 

It takes four years.

Four years for Jongin to finally start living again. Four years during which Kyungsoo remains in the shadows, watching over him, as he promised, but never revealing himself.

And the older knows this is what he asked for, he knows this is what he wanted for Jongin, what is the best for the man he still loves so much.

But that does not mean it makes everything easier and less painful to witness.

  
Jongin is thirty-one when he meets Seungwan. Kyungsoo is still twenty-five and he watches him bump into her as he makes his way out of his work’s office. The woman has a lovely smile and cutely blushes when Jongin hands her the shopping bag she dropped when they collided. Jongin smiles back and Kyungsoo’s silent heart tightens.

  
Jongin is thirty-two when he marries Seungwan. Kyungsoo is still twenty-five and he watches as she slowly walks down the aisle in a stunning ivory gown, her eyes focused on a nervous Jongin who stands straight near the altar. The ceremony is beautiful, and all the guests are tearing up. Jongin kisses her and Kyungsoo’s silent heart aches.

  
Jongin is thirty-four when Seungwan gives birth to their daughter. Kyungsoo is still twenty-five and he watches as Jongin comes out of the delivery room with the baby girl wrapped in a white blanket, watery eyes as he shows her face to their parents and friends. Jongin’s lips brush against the thin hair on the top of her head and Kyungsoo’s silent heart cries.

  
Jongin is thirty-six when their son is born. Kyungsoo is still twenty-five and he watches as Jongin and Seungwan introduce the little boy to his sister. Jongin hugs his family in a big embrace, a loving smile on his lips, and Kyungsoo’s silent heart shatters.

With a last lingering look at the man he loves, Kyungsoo turns around and leaves. He does not need to watch over Jongin anymore, now.

  
He stops counting the years. It seems pointless, when you are fated to spend the eternity alone, aimlessly roaming the Earth.  
He gets to meet his ancestors, hears stories from the past, visits places he had dreamed about, back when he was still alive, spends time with his parents, then his brother and his wife, as they all pass away one after the other.

But his mind, his heart, his soul, however, remain with Jongin.  
Only Jongin. Always Jongin.

Until one day, decades later, Kyungsoo’s grandmother finds him and sits him down, taking his hand in her wrinkled ones.

  
Jongin is ninety-five when he peacefully falls asleep to never wake up. His family is devastated, and the three days of mourning are heartbreaking. Kyungsoo, forever twenty-five, remains in the shadows and watches the ceremony from afar. Seungwan keeps crying in her children’s arms, and the pieces of Kyungsoo’s heart turn to dust.

  
Long after everyone has left, he still stands in the burial site, in front of Jongin’s grave, thinking how funny it is, that his own is only a small distance away.

His eyes burn as he stares at the picture chosen by Jongin’s family. Even with deep wrinkles grooving his face, skin sagging and dotted with age spots, Jongin still looks beautiful, and Kyungsoo cannot help but wonder what could have been. What could have happened if he had not died so young, if he and Sehun had broken up and he had realized Jongin feelings. Would they have dated, then? Would he have fallen in love with the younger man?

Jongin had chosen to marry a girl, keeping his sexual orientation a secret, for all his life. Would it have been different, had Kyungsoo still been alive?  
Would they have grown old together and had their happily ever after?  
Kyungsoo would have died as an old man, and come back as a ghost. He would have stayed by Jongin’s side until he, too, passed away. Then the younger would have come back too, and they would have lived forever, together, two old-looking ghosts still smiling for each other only.

But Kyungsoo had died.  
And then he had chosen to leave, to protect the man he loved. The man he still loves, from the bottom of his silent heart.  
And although he would have wanted to experience this fantasy with Jongin, he cannot bring himself to regret his decision. Jongin lived a long life. A happy one, as far as Kyungsoo knows. It is all the older had hoped for.

The wind is picking up, passing through his immaterial form as he stands still and unbothered, eyes still riveted on Jongin’s picture, and Kyungsoo relishes in the quiet tranquility of the burial ground.

But then, through the peace, a voice as clear as daylight echoes behind him.

“Kyungsoo hyung…”

Kyungsoo freezes, his stomach tightening and heart figuratively missing a beat as a distinct similar memory flashes in his mind, from what feels like a lifetime ago.

Slowly, he turns around, and his eyes widen when, standing in front of him, he discovers Jongin, looking just as young as the day he saw Kyungsoo’s ghostly form in that old childhood bedroom.

His skin is still tanned, only slightly paler than it used to be. The wind is not ruffling the bangs covering his forehead, and his face is completely void of any trace of time. He looks twenty-four all over again, and even more beautiful than Kyungsoo remembered.

Kyungsoo stares, stares, and stares some more, useless breathing fastening. The smile on Jongin’s lips is brighter than he has ever seen it, sparkles of delight shining in his dark orbs.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Their gazes are locked as Jongin takes a few steps forward, the dry leaves under his feet not making any noise.

“Hyung… It’s me,” he says once he is right in front of Kyungsoo, and the older’s insides twist at the sound of the voice he had missed for so long.

“J- Jongin?” he stutters, and the younger’s grin turns even more dazzling, “How… You…”

“You never left, did you?” Jongin asks, intensely staring back.

Completely mesmerized, Kyungsoo does not even think of lying, and shakes his head.

“But you…”

“I never forgot,” Jongin then says, answering a question Kyungsoo is not even sure how to ask.

“But... Seungwan…” he tries nonetheless.

“I loved her. She became my best friend, too, and we’ve been happy,” Jongin says calmly, affection filling his tone, “But it has always been you. She knew, and she was okay with it. I could've never hid that from her. It wouldn't have been fair.”

Warmth is suddenly spreading through his arm, from his palm Jongin has taken in his own.  
There is no more burning sensation, no more dizziness or distressed breathing. Only quietude and contentment, as they both look at their intertwined fingers.

And before Kyungsoo has the time to understand what is happening, he is pulled against a firm chest, and supple lips are pressed against his.

Physical pain and sorrow had swallowed the first and only kiss they had shared, decades ago, and Kyungsoo could still recall it clearly. Up until that moment.

As their lips move together at a languid pace, all he can feel is bliss, obliterating any memories of the hurtful past. An overwhelming pleasure filling every last bit of his spectral body, drowning him with wave after wave of warmth and elation.  
Is it possible for a ghost to die again from happiness?

The kiss grows more urgent, Jongin’s free hand cupping his face and Kyungsoo looping his arms around the younger’s waist, pulling him closer as he tastes the inside of Jongin’s mouth.  
Jongin presses back, releasing a sound between a chuckle and a sob.

“You’re so warm, now,” the younger breathes out when they finally part, forehead connected and nose brushing, “Your skin used to be ice-cold. But not anymore.”

“How are you even here?” Kyungsoo asks in a whisper, still enthralled and quite not believing this is all real.

“I told you. I’ve never forgotten you. I’ve always loved you.”

Jongin leans away, just a little, so he can properly look at Kyungsoo.

“But how do you look so young?” the older thinks aloud, not really expecting an answer, “You should’ve come back the way you looked when you passed away…”

A soft grin grazes Jongin lips as he holds Kyungsoo’s eyes captive in his own, fingers grazing his nape.

“I did,” he says, voice quiet but unwavering, “Because deep inside, I died the day you stopped living.”

It only takes a few seconds for the words to make sense in Kyungsoo head. Then he is pulling Jongin back against him and kissing him again, breathing a hushed “I missed you so much”, right before their lips collide.

  
“ _It’s a blessing, my darling. Not a curse,_ ” his grandmother had said when Kyungsoo was nine, “ _When the time comes, your love will live forever._ ”

And with the younger’s warm body pressed against him and his arms holding him tight, forever sounds perfect, now that he gets to spend it with Jongin.

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations, you made it ‘til the end! You’ve earned...my eternal love :).
> 
> And you get a hug from Kyungsoo and Jongin if you leave a comment! (no, that’s not blackmail...)


End file.
